i was here by lady antebellum

my thoughts exactly

slightly bummed today. not sure what to do. trying to just go with the flow.

but i have a shit ton to do so im just going to drown myself in that instead of thinkin so much

no one uses this anymore but hey what the hell

CHANGE: what a fucking weird word

alot of things are changing. some for the better. some for the worst.

things that change for the better are hard to keep
things that change for the worst are hard to reverse.

i feel like im loosing some old friends that i really care about. and i feel like life is changing too quickly for me to keep up.

some relationships have strengthened. and i am so greatful for those people and appreciate what they have done for me

still i feel a little lost.
but guess thats whats supposed to happen right now.
which is ok

imm just really concerned and sad about loosing some friends. idk what it is and cant seem to put my finger on it.

humph
change
lame

the surgery went well everything should be good. now just the recovery process

however the weekend leading up to the surgery is the lowest i have been in a long time. everyone was so busy and i found myself sitting at home alone from thursday till sunday doing absolutly nothing. i know that my friends werent like ditching me, and all still really cared beacuse the day of surgery i got alot of prayers and texts and calls. that was nice.

but i couldnt help feeling alone the past few days. like incredibly alone. i guess i was missing that type of sucrity and affection that a significant other can bring. i needed something like deep long talks at night laying in bed. i needed someone to break down my walls. cuz im sick of having to break them down myself (knowing that if i dont i will go back to a place i dont want to be)

it is exhausting to deal with all this. then to feel alone. it just put me in a really bad place. i wouldnt have survived surgery day without my "sister" so thank god for her.

as for right now im just exhausted.

physically. mentally. emotionally. everything.

sorry if this didnt make sense
i need bed lol

but if u read this thanks

okkkk

tomorrow is the day of the surgery.

nerrvous

i know itll be ok

but it still feels weird

im unorganized

im messy

im moody

sometimes selfish

sometimes stubborn

i smoke too much

i drink too much

i swear too much

i care too much

i dont do enough

i put my efforts into meaningless things

im scared of failure

im scared to suceede

i dont smile enough

i dont say enough kind words

i blow people off

i am broke

i am careless

i dont go to class enough

i text too much

i eat too much

i sleep too much or not enough

i hold grudges

and i dont believe in myself enough

despite all my flaws

i am finally starting to feel like myself again

im finally feeling alive again

im working on my flaws

but ive accepted

that this is ME

this is who i AM

and ill take it

im getting a tattoo to represent my new found sense of self. the past year or so has been rough

but im getting somewhere

ramble

alright so you wanna know whats new? here it be

soooo steve turned out to be a fucker. literally worst thing ever. ill get mad if i go into more detail so i will spare you. but lets just say i would give anything to punch him in his lying mouth

and school. well school is ok. i like my classes and all. there not horrid. but idk im lacking motivation lately. liike i just dont feel like doing it. i dont necessarily wanna be lazy, ive actually been pretty energetic lately... but its more like i dont have the focus. or the drive to just do what i gotta do. im going to have to do something about that soon. idk what tho. suggestions?

and well they scheduled my dads surgery. march 15th. its been a confusing issue that involves alot of things that i never really thought i would have to deal with let alone have any clue on exactly how to deal with it. but im surprisingly positive feeling about it, a little scared still, but i feel like its going to be ok. and its brought me closer to my family. which is an adjustment, cuz my family has the weirdest relationship. but im happy that its getting stronger and itll be nice to see what happens after the surgery. just pray for us (or whatever it is you do).

work. well work is good. lol its work. not too much to say about it. im not completly bored most days so that works. im thankful to have a job fo sho.

lets seeee what else.....

as far as me personally, im doin alright. things are confusing and constantly changing in my life. but im very happy with what i have an kno i am fortunate. i mean we all have our bad days and my emotions get very up and down, but i feel like i am taking the necessary steps to improve myself. finally right? lol but to all of my friends who have supported me thru everything i cant thank you enough, i realise how much you do for me and how much you have put up with ;) so thank you

also i need to start doing things in my free time that i used to. things that make me happy. hobbies. spend some time just enjoying everything around me and the people who love me.

soooo that being said i have run out of things to share. now i should do my homework (in which this blog has allowed me an extra ten min of procrastination at least)

if you read this thanks :)