a few of my "friends" need to get their heads outta their asses and realise they arent the only person in this whole damn world.

seriously quit being so damn selfish.

ha ok i feel better now

i was here by lady antebellum

my thoughts exactly

slightly bummed today. not sure what to do. trying to just go with the flow.

but i have a shit ton to do so im just going to drown myself in that instead of thinkin so much

no one uses this anymore but hey what the hell

CHANGE: what a fucking weird word

alot of things are changing. some for the better. some for the worst.

things that change for the better are hard to keep
things that change for the worst are hard to reverse.

i feel like im loosing some old friends that i really care about. and i feel like life is changing too quickly for me to keep up.

some relationships have strengthened. and i am so greatful for those people and appreciate what they have done for me

still i feel a little lost.
but guess thats whats supposed to happen right now.
which is ok

imm just really concerned and sad about loosing some friends. idk what it is and cant seem to put my finger on it.

humph
change
lame

the surgery went well everything should be good. now just the recovery process

however the weekend leading up to the surgery is the lowest i have been in a long time. everyone was so busy and i found myself sitting at home alone from thursday till sunday doing absolutly nothing. i know that my friends werent like ditching me, and all still really cared beacuse the day of surgery i got alot of prayers and texts and calls. that was nice.

but i couldnt help feeling alone the past few days. like incredibly alone. i guess i was missing that type of sucrity and affection that a significant other can bring. i needed something like deep long talks at night laying in bed. i needed someone to break down my walls. cuz im sick of having to break them down myself (knowing that if i dont i will go back to a place i dont want to be)

it is exhausting to deal with all this. then to feel alone. it just put me in a really bad place. i wouldnt have survived surgery day without my "sister" so thank god for her.

as for right now im just exhausted.

physically. mentally. emotionally. everything.

sorry if this didnt make sense
i need bed lol

but if u read this thanks

okkkk

tomorrow is the day of the surgery.

nerrvous

i know itll be ok

but it still feels weird

im unorganized

im messy

im moody

sometimes selfish

sometimes stubborn

i smoke too much

i drink too much

i swear too much

i care too much

i dont do enough

i put my efforts into meaningless things

im scared of failure

im scared to suceede

i dont smile enough

i dont say enough kind words

i blow people off

i am broke

i am careless

i dont go to class enough

i text too much

i eat too much

i sleep too much or not enough

i hold grudges

and i dont believe in myself enough

despite all my flaws

i am finally starting to feel like myself again

im finally feeling alive again

im working on my flaws

but ive accepted

that this is ME

this is who i AM

and ill take it

im getting a tattoo to represent my new found sense of self. the past year or so has been rough

but im getting somewhere