long. but worth the read loves

ok so its late
but alots spinning through my mind
so lets see if i can make sense of it enough to write something with any sort of wisdome or insight in it

here it goes
im moved in. started school. school is a piece of cake. and moving in makes you grow up fast. till you find things are easier than sometimes we make them seem. if you jsut put your mind to it.
now theres a kindergarden poster saying for ya. but we will just go with it. kay kids?

but heres what i really wanted to write about. and im interested if anyone else is discovering the same things.

i was looking through some old folders that i completly forgot i had. and turns out i had saved some old letters and such from a few friends that really meant alot. now these letters brought back floods of things that i had forgotten. long talks and conversations, understandings and conflicts that really shaped me into who i am (or who im trying to be, but thats another story entirely) today. and i was really jsut flooded with emotion to be honest. i mean these ppl at that time in my life really really meant alot. you now the whole "best friends forever and ever, things will never change" kind of thing. and yet. ta-dahhhhh. here we are. years later and i end up being meerly aquaintences with these ppl who changed my life in so many ways.

i mean these people i really had conversations with. conversations about life and the meaning of being happy, and hopes and dreams. and things that really matter. and through these conversations we learned what we wanted, who we wanted to be, and what really matters outside of whos dating who and who wore a push up bra. lol ok so thats a little too far back. but still you get my meaning.

and it seems. even though those conversations and ppl really meant something. i mean really impacted me. we both moved on.

is that the point of life? i mean i kno ppl come into your life, and you go into others, beacuse you are meant to somehow impact them, or leave and impression or understanding upon them. but if thats the case. then who stays? how do you know who is woth fighting to hold on to?

seriously. there are so many changes going on alll around us. constantly. and we each have to hold on to something. but what? love? your oldest dearest friend? yourself (or that is who you thought you were)? family?

what ties do we break? and what ties do we make?
how do we know where to leave our mark and invest our time, and when to give up before we loose too much?

and heres what i think.

my whole life change is something ive dreaded. something ive continously run and hid from. and that really kept me from growning up in some ways.
beacuse change is a part of human nature. and its ok.
it is OK.
and trust me i never thought i would say those words. but it really is.
its ok for people to enter your life for whatever reason and then leave. even if their departure is hard or sad or welcomed. that person somehow impacted you. that person changed you. and for that we should be thankful.
beacuse you see. as sad and as annoying it may be when change knocks our door down and inturrupts us in the middle of the shower so to speak. change has to come. you cant stay in the shower forever. you will come out all pruney adn wrinkled and mushy. no one likes a raisn for a friend. ha anyways
back to the point.

maybe we have no control over how this world changes. or when ppl come and go.
but what matters is that we remember. remember the talks, be thankful for that time, and be thankful that they helped ot make us a better person today.
beacuse wheather you have had your heart broken, or your best friend stabbed you in the back, or something of that nature. you can always learn form it. always improve upon yourself from your experiences.

so i guess
i am no longer sad about the changes at hand. but instead i embrace the memories and am thankful to have had amazing ppl be such a huge part of my life for whatever length of time.

and as far as wondering who to hold on to and when to fight to keep someone in your life. i think that if you really stop and think and listen to everythign around you. you will know who to fight for and who to simply be thankful for.

i know who im fighting for, and i know better than ever that im thankful now more than ever for every last one of my friends. they are what get me up in the morning and keep me going.

"in time we change...its hard to say that i wont be there one day when you really need my love to be evident...when you sail away i want that first day to be a life changing 24 hours and may that last day be grey. never not beautiful, for you do not know how to be against beauty, you are that beauty. sometimes beauty walks with me, and i thank you for that..."