ok real talk

christmas is a weird thing.
a clash between faith and greed
between those spreading cheer and those trying not to catch it

i realised this year that christmas is not the happy magical time i always believed
yes eat, be with your family, and open great gifts

but in a time so happy its sooooo hard not to have whatever is wrong in your life haunting you at every moment
so here you have it. people who are so high on their faith that nothing can bring them down. people who quietly question everything they once believed in but keep it tothemselves and fake happieness as not to bring everyone down. and lastly those who have no faith at all and open presents for the simple joy of giving and recieving with others.

now wahtever a person believes is not for me to judge. and i dont really believe in arguiing faith anyways.

my point is:
more people fake happieness in the christmas season than you will ever know. so instead of opening presents. i think i would rather open an honest conversation. beacuse after everything i recieved this season, as happy as i am to have been given those things, i think i would just as easily be happy sitting and having coffee with you.

ill buy your cup if you buy mine.

on a second point of real talk
i just ate a foot long sub and it was amazing. also i put cookies in my pocket today. and some guy at work asked me if we sold beer bongs.


that is all


as always much love

"i thought u were a fool to give him as many chances as u did. i thought u were being so stupid. maybe even looked down upon you for it at one time or another. and im sorry. beacuse i get it now. and now it seems like you werent stupid. you jsut believed in something. more than i had ever believed in. and you were strong enough and brave enough to willingly put your heart on the line knowing it might get hurt. thats not foolish. thats believeing in something you cant see. adn sometimes thats braver than anything"

We are sometimes right to look on the black side of life. There’s those days. The ones where you’re happy but you know it won’t last. And then it crashes. You crash. And fall. And it is not because you looked on the black side of life, it is just because. And we know our own pessimistic outlook on life should have been a warning, and we should have been prepared, but we weren’t. We weren’t and we never will be. And then the cycle starts again.

i hate feeling like this.

i feel like im about to cry all the time. and im jsut anxious and angry and worried. i guess unsettled is the word. unstable maybe.

maybe i spend to much time alone here. and its rather sad that when im not alone here. im simply working. with odd awkward weird ppl who quite honestly are so nice but just palin freak me out.

i do not want to grow up and work at meijers. i do not want to ruin the good things i have going for me. i do not want to change anymore. i do not want to fail.

i guess. its weird. beacuse i love living here. i lovve soem of the things that are happening to me. but im so afraid to mess them up.

somehow right now i feel like i am doing absolutly nothing with my life.

my neighbors must think im nuts

they hardly ever see me cuz im never outside. but today they all got to be graced with my presence.

so picture this
me, in baggy sweats tucked into my untied boots, with an old ratty sweatshirt, and a baseball bat.
then me using that bat to smash all the icicles off of my house.
then turning around and going back in the house. probably not to be seen again untill the icicles come back and i need to do it again.

haha
part of me loves that they think im so weird.
i can be whoever i want here. i can do whatever i want.
its amazing

im not as invincable as you make me feel

but maybe its not about how strong and brave as we may actually be

maybe its about feeling that strong untill you break, and when your down at your lowest point and you look up expecting to see god himself, but instead you see a friend, a familiar face.

and you realise not only were you as strong as you felt before. but stronger yet with two.