alright. so

i have been hurt in the past. by myself. my friends. significant others. ect.

and its finally become apparent how that has effected my ability to trust.
i mean of course im suspicious of people and what they are thinking or feeling even when they tell me straight up. ive been lied to ALOT.
and ya wanna kno what?
its got me lying to myself.

so in essence i subconsciously dont trust the people in my life, and i dont trust myself.

i feel like i have been just going thru the motions of everyday life. im not sure if thats good or bad. cuz dont get me wrong im not unhappy. actually i been havin alot more fun so far this summer than last. however i wouldnt say im fucking spectacular or anything.

and i dont want to settle for just ok.

but when i think about it too hard. i realise just how much i miss certin people. and how much i miss myself.. whoever that is.

so yeah. i dont fucking know.
bear with me while i figure this shit out.
i feel something weird brewing..


another thought:
why do i go for the people who will hurt me? and who arent good for me always?
and why are the "safe" ones so fucking boring?