what happened to real friends?

i thought mine were genuine....

seems thats not the case.


guess this is the part where you find out who your real friends are

im torn between yelling fuck off and crying

i miss some of the ppl i thought i trusted thats for sure

ok. here is the deal.

things are really messed up for me right now.

like REALLY messed up

and so from now on, i dont try to make an effort to have any sort of friendship or relationship with someone who doesnt make an effort to do the same with me.

beacuse i can not take things how they are right now.

they need to change or im fucking outta here

things are really messed up.

i opened my big mouth.

and i opened my big heart.

and it doesnt fucking matter.

cuz it doesnt change a damn thing

so much has changed.

and i think i might have gone backwards in progress.

i could fall in love with you again...

this is really really bad....

"i care about you"

thats all it said. and thats all we felt.
but we have no clue why

when you dont understand someone, i mean truly get them, it doesnt matter that you know them. you can know their mannorisms, and their sayings, and their quirks. good and bad habbits. the tallys you keep to see if im good enough.

none of that matters. congrats. you think you have me figured out. and maybe you do.
but you dont really understand me. when i talk about how im feeling. it seems like a a different language to you. but this is only beacuse your too stubborn to learn anyone elses language but your own. you can see so far ahead of you, and notice all the little details around you on all sides, yet your world goes no further than your own nose.

how is it that you can read my facial expressions, but cant possbly comprhend them when i try to explain why i was looking at you like you just slapped me in the face?

how is it that you know me so well, yet dont understand me?

everyone is just so fucking scared of their own shadow, that when we see someon elses shadow, we jump in fear that its our own shadow trying to keep up with us again.

alright. so

i have been hurt in the past. by myself. my friends. significant others. ect.

and its finally become apparent how that has effected my ability to trust.
i mean of course im suspicious of people and what they are thinking or feeling even when they tell me straight up. ive been lied to ALOT.
and ya wanna kno what?
its got me lying to myself.

so in essence i subconsciously dont trust the people in my life, and i dont trust myself.

i feel like i have been just going thru the motions of everyday life. im not sure if thats good or bad. cuz dont get me wrong im not unhappy. actually i been havin alot more fun so far this summer than last. however i wouldnt say im fucking spectacular or anything.

and i dont want to settle for just ok.

but when i think about it too hard. i realise just how much i miss certin people. and how much i miss myself.. whoever that is.

so yeah. i dont fucking know.
bear with me while i figure this shit out.
i feel something weird brewing..


another thought:
why do i go for the people who will hurt me? and who arent good for me always?
and why are the "safe" ones so fucking boring?

a few of my "friends" need to get their heads outta their asses and realise they arent the only person in this whole damn world.

seriously quit being so damn selfish.

ha ok i feel better now