give me something more

i NEED something more than this

"It's All Your Fault"
I'd conjure up the thought of being gone
But I'd probably even do that wrong
I try to think about which way
Would I be able to and would I be afraid
Cause oh I'm bleeding out inside
Oh I don't even mind
(yeah)It's all your fault
You called me beautiful
You turned me out
And now I can't turn back
I hold my breath
Because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air
And it's not fair
Da da dada da dada daDa dadadadadada da dadadadadada
I'm trying to figure out what else to say
(what else could I say?)To make you turn around and come back this way
(Would you just come back this way)I feel like we could be really awesome together
So make up your mind cause it's now or never
(oh)It's all your fault
You called me beautiful
You turned me out
And now I can't turn back
I hold my breathBecause you were perfect
But I'm running out of air
And it's not fair
I would never pull the trigger
But I've cried wolf a thousand times
I wish you could
Feel as bad as I do
I have lost my mind
It's all your fault
You called me beautiful
You turned me out
And now I can't turn back
I hold (I hold) my breath (my breath)
Because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air (running out of air)
And it's not fair(Oh yeahIt's all your fault)
I hold my breathBecause you were perfect
But I'm running out of air
And it's not (it's not) fair


more pink. this ones even better

"I Don't Believe You"
I don't mind it I don't mind at all It's like you're the swing set and I'm the kid that falls
It's like the way we fight, the times I've cried, we come to blows
And every night the passion's there so it's gotta be right, right?
[Chorus:]
No I don't believe you
when you say don't come around here no more
I won't remind youYou said we wouldn't be apart
No, I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend
To not love me at all

I don't mind it
I still don't mind at all
It's like one of those bad dreams when you can't wake up
Looks like you've given up, you've had enough
But I want more no I won't stop'cause I just know you'll come around... right?
[Chorus]
Just don't stand there and watch me fall'cause I, 'cause I still don't mind at all
It's like the way we fight, the times I cry, we come to blows
And every night the passion's there so it's gotta be right, right?
[Chorus]
I don't believe you



pink is my new hero. she sings about my life. i wish i was that bad ass lol

i know its stupid

im fucking doing it anyway

i dont care

i bought the new post secret book this week. and stayed up late reading it friday night. its such a comfort that we all have secrets, and such a surprise that most of them are the same. i find such hope in these books.

so in honor of this here is my secret of the week:

I wish that i had someone to text and say "good night and sweet dreams" to before i go to bed. alot

you know what?

one day your going to miss me, think back and realise what a mistake you made

and i will be incapable of loving what you have become

things change

and so do i

goodbye

my secret for this week: this^ facinates me, and i am scared as to why.

and im sick of being weak

no strength left within me

i feel as tho im helpless

backed into a corner

it has a surprising effect on you

as weak as you are

when your in that corner

all you can think about is fighting back

getting out

no matter what it takes

but what if as much fight as you can muster

isnt enough to overcome the weakness?

what if your not prepared?

I love post secrets

its the best part about sundays

i always find a secret i share with someone

:)

i am NOT sad

All last summer in case you don't recall,
I was yours and you were mine, forget it all,
Is there a line that I could write,Sad enough to make you cry?
All the lines you wrote to me were lies...
Months roll past, the love that you struck dead,
Did you love me only in my head?
Well the things you said and did to me,Seemed to come so easily,
The love I thought I'd won- you give for free.

I want people to feel an immediate happiness and cheerfulness when they are around me. To make a difference in someone’s life. I want to make an impression in someone’s life, so that even though I may be delicate and fragile, my footprints are permanent within the hearts of the ones I've touched.

and there is an emptyness here that i simply cant explain

and i cant shake the feeling that something is missing

FUCK IT

i will do anything for you
i will ruin everything for you
i will never be the same
i will always love you
i will never get over the pain
i will loose us both
i will hate
i will lie
i will cheat
i will become who i am not

i will not be able to control this

late night

long day

this is my life.


ill admit its my own fault. i let you do this to me.

why?
i ask myself that every single day

but in the end.
its simply that i cared about you. aand still do.

and i would do anything for you


even if it kills me

and thats the honest to god truth






aint that a bitch?

idk how i got here exactly.

but its time i made some serious decisions about it and stop being upset that this is how things ended up

im sure i will have some big news to share soon...

and she asked herself

"how did i get this way"

was it too many ciggarettes
or too many nights alone

was it too many chances
or taking a chance when she had everything to loose

was it too many emotions
or not feeling quite enough

was it the failure
or being afraid of sucess

was it hating what she was becoming
or the inability to stop what had already started


was it the fact that she was never quite enough no matter what she did

or was it the simple fact that she coudlnt change what she despratly needed to...

so im jsut going to go on pretending you didnt hurt me

yup thats exactly what im going to do

and hopefully

one day i will wake up

and it will actually be true

i want to tell you a story
a true story
one that gives me hope
and reminds me that even in a harsh world, the love we want so badly to believe in, does in fact exist



so im planning on surprising my parents and getting a new tattoo
normally they would be pissed. but this tattoo represents them
it is going to be the letters FAAW
this stands for "Forever and a Week"
and that is how my dad signs all of his cards to my mom
which btw is adorable in itself

but what is more adorable is this

i had to go looking through all my moms old stuff to find a card with FAAW written on it so i can get the tattoo in my dads handwriting
and i was going through this old box filled with all my moms cards from the time her and my dad meet all the way through their first year of marriage
and as i was reading and looking through these cards while they were distracted with loto scratch offs downstairs, i started to read some of the letters and notes in th cards

some of them were about how he was jsut missing her at work, others were about hollidays and special occasions, some were written on napkins, or the paper from my dads old work, some were stickey notes, some were letters, some were "im sorry for being crankey today" kind of cards. every type of card, note, reminder, and letter you could imagine.
all reminding me, that my dad is completly, and irriversably, madly in love with my mother.

i mean these letters were so cute. one was about how he knows things are tough and they were going through a rough spot, but that together they can get through anything cuz she is the person that he wants to spend the rest of his life with and loves more than he ever thought he could love anyone.


all this kind of choked me up. i mean sometimes its hard to believe this idea of love taht we see in the movies, and the idea of love that i want so badly to believe in. the idea that love is all you will ever need. but seeing those letters reminded me that no matter how bad things are, something like that is possible, and that alone is worth living my life for. the idea that life can bring you something or someone that amazing. well that makes me more hopeful than i have felt in a long time

and i realise, that i will be lucky to one day turn into my mother, and marry a man exaclty like my father.

wow. im really confused






kthanksbye

whats that?

a light at the end of the tunnel?

huh, might as well see what it is...

but walk cautiously

oddest feeling in the world:

sitting alone in the middle of no where
confused frustrated and lost
knowing that even if anyone knew where you were
they would NOT come find you
so its time to decide

give up, or get up and find your own way out

so today made me think. alot.

life has been pretty shitty latley. and today was no acception.

however. i realised something today.

first thing this morning i was sitting outside feeling angry and upset, and a gorgous butterfly came out of no where and landed in front of me. the kind of butterfly that isnt always jsut flying around in my weed filled back yard that has no flowerd. and it made me stop and think. at how many more things in this world there are besides these problems that i cant seem to see past. made me realise there are so many small yet amazing things in this world that i completly look over every single day.

where did the time go when i wanted to explore the world and see everything beautiful and moving that there was to see? where did my dreams go? and sense when am i the type of person to be sitting alone in my house sulking, and worrying myself sick over things i cant control?

unfortunatly after this realization, i did let myself fall back into freting over my rediculous issues, untill later i was reminded again.

i was hanging out with one of my oldest friends. she knows who she is. haha
and i realised that i forgot just how well she knows me. she knows i have trouble letting these problems go. but distracts me with things like brownies, golf cart rides, and walks talking about our childhood adventures. and it was then, walking on the railroad tracks, taking pics, and stopping to stare at deer, that i remembered again. that no matter what my problems are, the railroad tracks will always be there.
memories will always be there. beautiful and moving events will always be happening even where you least expect it.

also this brought another thought. that terrible and heartbreaking things are always happening around you wheather you know it or not. i was driving the other day, and realised that every house i pass, there could be someone in that house with a broken heart. someone could be in there hurting themselves or someone they love. and just driving by we would never know it.

my point in this. is that everywhere someone is going through something good, or something terrible. therefore whichever one of these highs or lows you may be going through, there is always somewhere where the opposite is possible. we should cherish the good times beacuse they break up the bad, adn we should learn from the bad times beacuse good ones are just around the corner and being bitter and angry wont allow us to enjoy the good times.



so with that you have my rant of the night.
hope it made as much sense to you as it did to me in my exhausted state

love

so

idk what else to say besides im scared.


and sometimes i act a little crazy when i get scared.

i am so fucking over it

i can force myself to be fine all day long. maybe even manage to get busy enough to forget for a second.

but as soon as night comes, it just comes crashing down that much harder.


you can only run for so long.

sometimes i think i feel things a little differently than most.
sometimes i wonder if someone were put into my body, and could feel the depth and intensity of even the smallest of feelings, that everyone would understand.
that you would know why i dwell on every word, tone, and signal that you send my way.

sometimes i just wish you knew how deeply i feel, for everything around me.
and how hard it is, to have such a strong emotion.
and to have no emotional outlet except those labled "unacceptable"

sometimes you get so sick of the ups and downs,
the way your mind body and soul are being pulled in so many directions,
the way pain and stress and worry wear at your person for so long,

that you just want a constant.
and then you get it,
and you have no idea what to do with it.

when your at that constant,
everything feels so surreal,
like this cant really be happening,
beacuse your so used to another constant inner struggle.

so sometimes,
when we get the thing we strive for most,
we are so thrown off,
by the calmness,
and the peace within ourselves,
we purposly distroy it.

we finally get what we always deserved,
and we throw ourselves right back into hell,
beacuse in hell you feel things,
in hell you know what is you want,
and what our emotions are.

we purposly destroy ourseves.
beacuse we cant NOT feel.
beacuse it is human nature.

and the only peace of mind we get. is when someone comes along who loves us enough to stop us.

i miss it.

alot.

i dont need it anymore.

doesnt mean i dont want it still.

it was a friend when i needed one.

so i miss it.

now what?

live for the people who save you, when you didnt realise you needed saving.

live for the people who save you, when you didnt realise you needed saving.

what if

this empty yard

behind this empy house

in this empty street

is all im ever meant for?



sometimes its hard to see how it could be any other way.

all i want is some answers.

im doing better.

but im impatient.

i want more.

some people enjoy being messed up. some simply know no other way of living. some depend on their demons to point out their gifts.
well i am neither. i just dont want to feel this way anymore.

im tired
im trying
im suceeding
im failing
things are bad bad bad
things are a new kind of good

"count you blessings baby"
i need to take good advice when its given

And blood was running down
Her dress in streams into her hands where she
Was stitching on the flesh had left
In sections on the carpet near a bed that
Never slept while she was sleeping
In her clothes that he had laid with on
The floor with all his fingers crossed
In hoping that that distance
Wouldn't grow.
But how it grew, And how it hurt,
And how it hallowed every memory had
Never felt was threatened by a thing the world
Could conjure up to kill them, but he let it kill them
What a bunch of fools we lovers are.
And now she's smiling, with her self put back together,
Just a shadow of the past before the war.
All sewn together, like a city sick from storms
And sick of waiting for a god to call the floods out of her home.
What a bunch of fools we lovers are
When tempted by the taste of flesh.

"My boy, you are nothing more than a thief and a whore
In a suit of the finest of armor." laughed the vulture.
"Pathetic little child, I am embarrassed for you."

"It's lovely that you got all fucked up and you don't know where you have been. Are you lonely or just fed up with the shape you keep finding yourself in?"


this runs through my head every single day.

i try to live by "treat others as you would like to be treated"
but maybe i dont treat others as well as i thought.
im not trying to be selfish.
but apparently i come off that way

im sorry

Death. Well death hits us in the face like a ton of bricks falling off a truck Final Destination style. But Life. Life is constant. It is always there. Like a good friend that we may not always see as often as we would like.

This might be why sometimes it is easier for us to focus on the inevidable, while really we should put our focus on what we have had all along.

anything can be seen as really ugly if you shine too much light on it

anyone else notice that once things start to get too good. then everything falls apart.

like i finally start to get comfortable and content and truly happy.

and its like something just HAS to come along and remind me that nothing can ever be perfect.

not even for a little while?

:(

"And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older and you see the people in your life break one by one.You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened."


i found this quote and i think its so true.
but the first time i read it i read it in a negative sense. but then i was thinking about it.
do you think you have been broken from who you once were? and if so do you think thats necessarily a bad thing?

i know ive been broken. but when you break somehow you have to get yourself back together. so is it necessarily a bad thing to be broken and possibly come out a better person, even if its a different person?

the snow is pretty outside today. falling really nice and soft.

and i am feeling very calm today. very relaxed.

im not really sure why. but today i am content.

even missing someone doesnt feel so draining today.

strep.
with mono on top.

the sickest sick sundae ever

my life?
you wanna know what my life is like?

the truth is, you dont get it.
the truth is, you cant understand
the truth is, my life would haunt you

you know nothing about me

and the only person who really does
is about to be taken away from me

ok
here it is

sometimes we get ourselves in waaay over our heads
sometimes we get ourselves in too deep
sometimes something little turns into something life changing

and sometimes the mess we left ourseves, is too much to chean up on our own....