oo la la

im in love!

:D

some people are just so fucking STUPID


just sayin

exactly...

ok. new plan.

letting go of my baggage and getting rid of the drama.

unfortunatly ive realised that leaves me with little else

moving is starting to seem like the next step for sure

hopefully sooner rather than later..

untill then

there are a few ppl who can KISS MY ASS

im still mad

not beacuse u left me

but beacuse you think now everything is all good

and it can just be done and over with just like that

guess again.

your a bitch

:)

you can cross the line whenever you want to

I'm calling it love soon

close your mind and waste some time if you have to

I'm calling it love soon

lets bypass the bullshit and move on, cuz the minute hand moves faster than you think it does

and by no fault of yours and by no fault of mine

the bottom line is laying the bed that we have been playing in tonight

Fortune Favors The BOLD

what happened to real friends?

i thought mine were genuine....

seems thats not the case.


guess this is the part where you find out who your real friends are

im torn between yelling fuck off and crying

i miss some of the ppl i thought i trusted thats for sure

ok. here is the deal.

things are really messed up for me right now.

like REALLY messed up

and so from now on, i dont try to make an effort to have any sort of friendship or relationship with someone who doesnt make an effort to do the same with me.

beacuse i can not take things how they are right now.

they need to change or im fucking outta here

things are really messed up.

i opened my big mouth.

and i opened my big heart.

and it doesnt fucking matter.

cuz it doesnt change a damn thing

so much has changed.

and i think i might have gone backwards in progress.

i could fall in love with you again...

this is really really bad....

"i care about you"

thats all it said. and thats all we felt.
but we have no clue why

when you dont understand someone, i mean truly get them, it doesnt matter that you know them. you can know their mannorisms, and their sayings, and their quirks. good and bad habbits. the tallys you keep to see if im good enough.

none of that matters. congrats. you think you have me figured out. and maybe you do.
but you dont really understand me. when i talk about how im feeling. it seems like a a different language to you. but this is only beacuse your too stubborn to learn anyone elses language but your own. you can see so far ahead of you, and notice all the little details around you on all sides, yet your world goes no further than your own nose.

how is it that you can read my facial expressions, but cant possbly comprhend them when i try to explain why i was looking at you like you just slapped me in the face?

how is it that you know me so well, yet dont understand me?

everyone is just so fucking scared of their own shadow, that when we see someon elses shadow, we jump in fear that its our own shadow trying to keep up with us again.

alright. so

i have been hurt in the past. by myself. my friends. significant others. ect.

and its finally become apparent how that has effected my ability to trust.
i mean of course im suspicious of people and what they are thinking or feeling even when they tell me straight up. ive been lied to ALOT.
and ya wanna kno what?
its got me lying to myself.

so in essence i subconsciously dont trust the people in my life, and i dont trust myself.

i feel like i have been just going thru the motions of everyday life. im not sure if thats good or bad. cuz dont get me wrong im not unhappy. actually i been havin alot more fun so far this summer than last. however i wouldnt say im fucking spectacular or anything.

and i dont want to settle for just ok.

but when i think about it too hard. i realise just how much i miss certin people. and how much i miss myself.. whoever that is.

so yeah. i dont fucking know.
bear with me while i figure this shit out.
i feel something weird brewing..


another thought:
why do i go for the people who will hurt me? and who arent good for me always?
and why are the "safe" ones so fucking boring?

a few of my "friends" need to get their heads outta their asses and realise they arent the only person in this whole damn world.

seriously quit being so damn selfish.

ha ok i feel better now

i was here by lady antebellum

my thoughts exactly

slightly bummed today. not sure what to do. trying to just go with the flow.

but i have a shit ton to do so im just going to drown myself in that instead of thinkin so much

no one uses this anymore but hey what the hell

CHANGE: what a fucking weird word

alot of things are changing. some for the better. some for the worst.

things that change for the better are hard to keep
things that change for the worst are hard to reverse.

i feel like im loosing some old friends that i really care about. and i feel like life is changing too quickly for me to keep up.

some relationships have strengthened. and i am so greatful for those people and appreciate what they have done for me

still i feel a little lost.
but guess thats whats supposed to happen right now.
which is ok

imm just really concerned and sad about loosing some friends. idk what it is and cant seem to put my finger on it.

humph
change
lame

the surgery went well everything should be good. now just the recovery process

however the weekend leading up to the surgery is the lowest i have been in a long time. everyone was so busy and i found myself sitting at home alone from thursday till sunday doing absolutly nothing. i know that my friends werent like ditching me, and all still really cared beacuse the day of surgery i got alot of prayers and texts and calls. that was nice.

but i couldnt help feeling alone the past few days. like incredibly alone. i guess i was missing that type of sucrity and affection that a significant other can bring. i needed something like deep long talks at night laying in bed. i needed someone to break down my walls. cuz im sick of having to break them down myself (knowing that if i dont i will go back to a place i dont want to be)

it is exhausting to deal with all this. then to feel alone. it just put me in a really bad place. i wouldnt have survived surgery day without my "sister" so thank god for her.

as for right now im just exhausted.

physically. mentally. emotionally. everything.

sorry if this didnt make sense
i need bed lol

but if u read this thanks

okkkk

tomorrow is the day of the surgery.

nerrvous

i know itll be ok

but it still feels weird

im unorganized

im messy

im moody

sometimes selfish

sometimes stubborn

i smoke too much

i drink too much

i swear too much

i care too much

i dont do enough

i put my efforts into meaningless things

im scared of failure

im scared to suceede

i dont smile enough

i dont say enough kind words

i blow people off

i am broke

i am careless

i dont go to class enough

i text too much

i eat too much

i sleep too much or not enough

i hold grudges

and i dont believe in myself enough

despite all my flaws

i am finally starting to feel like myself again

im finally feeling alive again

im working on my flaws

but ive accepted

that this is ME

this is who i AM

and ill take it

im getting a tattoo to represent my new found sense of self. the past year or so has been rough

but im getting somewhere

ramble

alright so you wanna know whats new? here it be

soooo steve turned out to be a fucker. literally worst thing ever. ill get mad if i go into more detail so i will spare you. but lets just say i would give anything to punch him in his lying mouth

and school. well school is ok. i like my classes and all. there not horrid. but idk im lacking motivation lately. liike i just dont feel like doing it. i dont necessarily wanna be lazy, ive actually been pretty energetic lately... but its more like i dont have the focus. or the drive to just do what i gotta do. im going to have to do something about that soon. idk what tho. suggestions?

and well they scheduled my dads surgery. march 15th. its been a confusing issue that involves alot of things that i never really thought i would have to deal with let alone have any clue on exactly how to deal with it. but im surprisingly positive feeling about it, a little scared still, but i feel like its going to be ok. and its brought me closer to my family. which is an adjustment, cuz my family has the weirdest relationship. but im happy that its getting stronger and itll be nice to see what happens after the surgery. just pray for us (or whatever it is you do).

work. well work is good. lol its work. not too much to say about it. im not completly bored most days so that works. im thankful to have a job fo sho.

lets seeee what else.....

as far as me personally, im doin alright. things are confusing and constantly changing in my life. but im very happy with what i have an kno i am fortunate. i mean we all have our bad days and my emotions get very up and down, but i feel like i am taking the necessary steps to improve myself. finally right? lol but to all of my friends who have supported me thru everything i cant thank you enough, i realise how much you do for me and how much you have put up with ;) so thank you

also i need to start doing things in my free time that i used to. things that make me happy. hobbies. spend some time just enjoying everything around me and the people who love me.

soooo that being said i have run out of things to share. now i should do my homework (in which this blog has allowed me an extra ten min of procrastination at least)

if you read this thanks :)

didnt you know how much i loved you by kellie pickler.


story. of. my. life.

dont pretend to be something you are not. you owe that to yourself at least.