ok real talk

christmas is a weird thing.
a clash between faith and greed
between those spreading cheer and those trying not to catch it

i realised this year that christmas is not the happy magical time i always believed
yes eat, be with your family, and open great gifts

but in a time so happy its sooooo hard not to have whatever is wrong in your life haunting you at every moment
so here you have it. people who are so high on their faith that nothing can bring them down. people who quietly question everything they once believed in but keep it tothemselves and fake happieness as not to bring everyone down. and lastly those who have no faith at all and open presents for the simple joy of giving and recieving with others.

now wahtever a person believes is not for me to judge. and i dont really believe in arguiing faith anyways.

my point is:
more people fake happieness in the christmas season than you will ever know. so instead of opening presents. i think i would rather open an honest conversation. beacuse after everything i recieved this season, as happy as i am to have been given those things, i think i would just as easily be happy sitting and having coffee with you.

ill buy your cup if you buy mine.

on a second point of real talk
i just ate a foot long sub and it was amazing. also i put cookies in my pocket today. and some guy at work asked me if we sold beer bongs.


that is all


as always much love

"i thought u were a fool to give him as many chances as u did. i thought u were being so stupid. maybe even looked down upon you for it at one time or another. and im sorry. beacuse i get it now. and now it seems like you werent stupid. you jsut believed in something. more than i had ever believed in. and you were strong enough and brave enough to willingly put your heart on the line knowing it might get hurt. thats not foolish. thats believeing in something you cant see. adn sometimes thats braver than anything"

We are sometimes right to look on the black side of life. There’s those days. The ones where you’re happy but you know it won’t last. And then it crashes. You crash. And fall. And it is not because you looked on the black side of life, it is just because. And we know our own pessimistic outlook on life should have been a warning, and we should have been prepared, but we weren’t. We weren’t and we never will be. And then the cycle starts again.

i hate feeling like this.

i feel like im about to cry all the time. and im jsut anxious and angry and worried. i guess unsettled is the word. unstable maybe.

maybe i spend to much time alone here. and its rather sad that when im not alone here. im simply working. with odd awkward weird ppl who quite honestly are so nice but just palin freak me out.

i do not want to grow up and work at meijers. i do not want to ruin the good things i have going for me. i do not want to change anymore. i do not want to fail.

i guess. its weird. beacuse i love living here. i lovve soem of the things that are happening to me. but im so afraid to mess them up.

somehow right now i feel like i am doing absolutly nothing with my life.

my neighbors must think im nuts

they hardly ever see me cuz im never outside. but today they all got to be graced with my presence.

so picture this
me, in baggy sweats tucked into my untied boots, with an old ratty sweatshirt, and a baseball bat.
then me using that bat to smash all the icicles off of my house.
then turning around and going back in the house. probably not to be seen again untill the icicles come back and i need to do it again.

haha
part of me loves that they think im so weird.
i can be whoever i want here. i can do whatever i want.
its amazing

im not as invincable as you make me feel

but maybe its not about how strong and brave as we may actually be

maybe its about feeling that strong untill you break, and when your down at your lowest point and you look up expecting to see god himself, but instead you see a friend, a familiar face.

and you realise not only were you as strong as you felt before. but stronger yet with two.

i spent alot of time with my father over the weekend
which is weird beacuse when i lived at home we probably spoke for no more than 20 min a week total.

the thing about my father and i is that we are the exact same person. thats usually why we but heads so much
but wehn we do get along. its great
and we got along this weekend really well

and the thing i realised is that although my father and i are alot alike. he has one big quality that i sometimes lack

he has this amazing way of looking at the world from a very simple point of view. he can take a situation and twist it so that it all seems very black and white. and therefore the situation can be passed and everyne can learn and move on. now i realise this cannot work for EVERY situation. but im finding that it can work for alot of things that i always thought were so complicated.

and its amazing how different your life looks when viewed from this black and white angle. mind you we still need to see colors. but sometimes it helps to be colorblind when you feel particularly stuck in a situation.

i think thats what i need to do now.
go color blind and appologize and learn from this.

thanks dad. you will never read this. and i could never say these things to your face.
but i love you and you have taught me more than i could ever learn on my own.

i have never had a holliday that sucked quite like this one.

its weird ya kno? im not really into thanksgiving most the time, like i dont get all pumped up and excited that i have to awkwardly sit with family. but usually it is nice to have them all together and be warm and full of food.

but this year i feel really lonley. my family left. my dad is here but working jsut like me. i picked up extra hours at work cuz i didnt kno what else to do. and we wont even be busy. the ppl who are home from school and i really wanna see will be busy with there actual thanksgivings and family time.

and idk. i didnt think i would be so sad.
but honestly. i really really am. like i jsut feel alone and sad.
at the time of year your not supposed to feel those things.
thats what gets me most

"and finally, i realised that i had found what i had been looking for,
without ever being quite sure what it was"

l.o.v.e.

might as well go with this new trend for a bit
lyrics say it better than i can anyways


"So Much"

How does it feel to know you're everything I need The butterflies in my stomach They could bring me to my knees How does it feel to know you're everything I want I've got a hard time saying this So I'll sing it in a song Oh I adore the way you carry yourself With the grace of a thousand angels overhead I love the way the galaxy starts to melt When we become one When we become one When we become one When we become one How does it feel How does it feel when we get locked into a stare? Please don't come looking for me When I get lost in the mess of your hair How do you feel when everything you've known Gets thrown aside Never fear, my dear, 'cause we have nothing left to hide Oh I adore the way you carry yourself With the grace of a thousand angels overhead I love the way the galaxy starts to melt Hold on to me girl If you feel your grip getting loose Just know that I'm right next to you Hold on to me girl If you feel your grip getting loose Just know that I won't let you down Well, I'm ready Well, I'm ready I am ready To run away with you Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready? To run away with me Pack your things we can leave today Pack your things we can leave today Say our goodbyes and get on the train Say goodbye Just you and I in the sweet unknown We can just call each other our home If I had to choose a way to die It'd be with you In a goosebump infested embrace With my overanxious hands cupping your face In a goosebump infested embrace With my overanxious hands cupping your cherub face How does it feel?

i am officially


out of control



you have been warned

yeah?

well

fuck it then

surprise reminder number a billion and one...finding candy wrappers in your pocket. :D


im sick of fighting the direction my life is going. and the truth is i dont want to fight it anymore. im happy.


DID YOU HEAR ME WORLD? IM HAPPY!!!

maybe not every second of every day. maybe everythings not perfect. maybe everythings changing.

but im still winning.



so stick that in your juice box and suck it

i feel...different

THE OFFICIAL RULES OF LIFE:

1. love wins
2. after that, there are no rules

i love fall
i love sitting outside and just watching the leaves fall and change and seeing all the beautiful colors

it reminds me that change can be beautiful
and that no 2 leaves are ever the same.

it reminds me that there are so many little things in life
so many unique and interesting things that we whould be thankful for

no leaf is perfect
no fall is the same as the last

its beautiful
sometimes we forget to nitice these beautiful little things.
of that i am very guuilty

but not today

take a look outside with me?
stop what your doing and jsut be with me?

nothing good ever lasts



remember that

love



l.o.v.e



l-o-v-e



no matter how many ways you say it
or how many times
it never changes

my whole fucking world is crashing down around me

i cant do this anymore

here are a few things ive learned sense ive lived in this house. im going to list them cuz i cant seem to put them all strait in my head right now.
here it goes

- there are 2 types of lonley
1- when you have tons of friends and just feel alone in your own head or with waht your dealing with (the easy kind)
2- when you come home to an empty house and there is no one around or available to seeor talk to ( the fucking sucky kind)

- 7th heaven marathons are on the hallmark channel every day froom 10 to like 3 or 4 every day and are a good source of daily cheesy life lessons

- love is the most confusing and difficult thing in this whole world. but if its real, its the most amazing and fufilling thing anyone could ever have.

- friendship is more than hanging out and getting along, its about being there when its difficult or when you really dont have time.

- you never really know yourself untill you have spent lots of time in your own head without outside influences

- family is better from a distance, it makes going home a good experience

- you never realise how much someone means to you untill you have spent time apart

- feeding yourself is very difficult

thats all for now
more later maybe

im tired of being all alone.
and this solitary moment
makes me want to go back home!

damn it

long. but worth the read loves

ok so its late
but alots spinning through my mind
so lets see if i can make sense of it enough to write something with any sort of wisdome or insight in it

here it goes
im moved in. started school. school is a piece of cake. and moving in makes you grow up fast. till you find things are easier than sometimes we make them seem. if you jsut put your mind to it.
now theres a kindergarden poster saying for ya. but we will just go with it. kay kids?

but heres what i really wanted to write about. and im interested if anyone else is discovering the same things.

i was looking through some old folders that i completly forgot i had. and turns out i had saved some old letters and such from a few friends that really meant alot. now these letters brought back floods of things that i had forgotten. long talks and conversations, understandings and conflicts that really shaped me into who i am (or who im trying to be, but thats another story entirely) today. and i was really jsut flooded with emotion to be honest. i mean these ppl at that time in my life really really meant alot. you now the whole "best friends forever and ever, things will never change" kind of thing. and yet. ta-dahhhhh. here we are. years later and i end up being meerly aquaintences with these ppl who changed my life in so many ways.

i mean these people i really had conversations with. conversations about life and the meaning of being happy, and hopes and dreams. and things that really matter. and through these conversations we learned what we wanted, who we wanted to be, and what really matters outside of whos dating who and who wore a push up bra. lol ok so thats a little too far back. but still you get my meaning.

and it seems. even though those conversations and ppl really meant something. i mean really impacted me. we both moved on.

is that the point of life? i mean i kno ppl come into your life, and you go into others, beacuse you are meant to somehow impact them, or leave and impression or understanding upon them. but if thats the case. then who stays? how do you know who is woth fighting to hold on to?

seriously. there are so many changes going on alll around us. constantly. and we each have to hold on to something. but what? love? your oldest dearest friend? yourself (or that is who you thought you were)? family?

what ties do we break? and what ties do we make?
how do we know where to leave our mark and invest our time, and when to give up before we loose too much?

and heres what i think.

my whole life change is something ive dreaded. something ive continously run and hid from. and that really kept me from growning up in some ways.
beacuse change is a part of human nature. and its ok.
it is OK.
and trust me i never thought i would say those words. but it really is.
its ok for people to enter your life for whatever reason and then leave. even if their departure is hard or sad or welcomed. that person somehow impacted you. that person changed you. and for that we should be thankful.
beacuse you see. as sad and as annoying it may be when change knocks our door down and inturrupts us in the middle of the shower so to speak. change has to come. you cant stay in the shower forever. you will come out all pruney adn wrinkled and mushy. no one likes a raisn for a friend. ha anyways
back to the point.

maybe we have no control over how this world changes. or when ppl come and go.
but what matters is that we remember. remember the talks, be thankful for that time, and be thankful that they helped ot make us a better person today.
beacuse wheather you have had your heart broken, or your best friend stabbed you in the back, or something of that nature. you can always learn form it. always improve upon yourself from your experiences.

so i guess
i am no longer sad about the changes at hand. but instead i embrace the memories and am thankful to have had amazing ppl be such a huge part of my life for whatever length of time.

and as far as wondering who to hold on to and when to fight to keep someone in your life. i think that if you really stop and think and listen to everythign around you. you will know who to fight for and who to simply be thankful for.

i know who im fighting for, and i know better than ever that im thankful now more than ever for every last one of my friends. they are what get me up in the morning and keep me going.

"in time we change...its hard to say that i wont be there one day when you really need my love to be evident...when you sail away i want that first day to be a life changing 24 hours and may that last day be grey. never not beautiful, for you do not know how to be against beauty, you are that beauty. sometimes beauty walks with me, and i thank you for that..."

labels

so i havent officially started college yet. but im not too nervous about it sense i only have 2 classes and only go 3 days a week. so it should be a piece of cake to handle that.

what i am worried about however is work and moving into this house. i cant seem to get enough hours at work and the hours i do get are all at night. therefore no social life what so ever. but i suppose i can handle that. maybe i even need that. sometimes im too social for my own good. and as a result im noticing more and more that i am jsut plain really bad at being alone. thankfully i have a few freinds who are willing to hang out as much as possible. which is nice.
anyways
moving into this house has been a major stressor as well. i cant find roomates for the life of me. and as i allready mentioned im bad at being alone so stayign there all by myself is a no go. and i also cant afford to stay there by myself either. sense meijers cant give me enough hours.
so these two things really clash. which is odd. but whatever ill figure it out. maybe ill get a second little day job. idk

anyways. everything else is actually going amazing. i mean yes there have been alot of changes for everyone latley. and dont get me wrong. i was soooooo stressed about it for the longest time. but i guess these changes mostly have really started to show me who my real friends are and that im going to be making alot of new friends as well.
i guess the thing that ive noticed most about college and everyone growing up is that our whole lives we have been ruled by labels. we put a label on everything and everyone. but now that were all getting older. its a little easier to jsut relax and be ourself. i mean were all getting to the point where everyone is going in diferent directions. and we are all being really chill about it. everyone is kind of excepting the fact that we are all different. and its ok. i mean no one really cares about how you dress or if you scrub it to class or if you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend or about your race or weight. we all just really want to be accepted for who we are. and in exchange we are willing to accept others as that too.
and that to me is the hugest relief. i guess i didnt realise how much these lables have ran my life in the past. i mean now im really finding myslef even more comfortable with my oldest friends and even some strangers.
so basically.
it feels really good to be me
and to have someone to accept me for who i am
no matter what
:)

well
this is my first blog
i think its a really good idea
and im excited to share all my new college experience with you guys
ill think of something interesting to write later im sure
:)